Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Years, months or just days

WOW..it has been how many months..days..shoot seems like years since my last blog, well it wasn't actually a "blog" now though was it?! Anywho..soo much has went on and yet soo little at the same time. 

End of September - December 2008
Yep, those months were right up there with probably being the 2nd or 3rd toughest times in my life.  Nothing about me personally..just family in general. My brother, who is 18, seemed to just go down hill and cause soo much emotionally charged drama in the family! Shoot, just typing this now still makes me teary eyed. HENCE why i hadn't blogged in such a hoot of a long time. Anyway. He has a little girl (that i adore more than anything) that was born 8-29-08 to him and girlfriend Bekka. Brett (my brother) just seemed to not want to be responsible for much of anything after he lost his job a few weeks after Audri was born. He didn't "try" to get a job, he did but didn't. Bekka is a senior at school (he graduated 08) and goes to the academy to finish up her year (i am soooo proud of her)! Anyway...he got in with a not so great group of people and just became distant and at one point hadn't seen his baby girl for 3 weeks. It just kills me. He wouldn't return texts, calls or anything. He started staying with a buddy of his at this time so it's not like he'd see his mom everyday. Our dad would call him and he wouldn't call him back and it just killed my dad. Brett was lying and just all sorts of crazyness. My dads mom is sick and has emphasyma (however you spell it) and it took a MAJOR toll on her. She hates seeing her son (my dad) hurt soo bad and Brett  wouldn't call her back. UGH....so i was the one trying to get all back together. Went with Brett's mom (we have same dad..diff, moms) one night to hunt him down and shocked the heck out of him. From there on things started to get better. Had a few points where he was back to his old ways but after I showed up on his doorstep one day on my lunch with emails that dad had sent me desperately searching for a way to find his son and just be able to talk to  him and dad saying thigns that made me scared what he'd do to himself...i just stood there and cried. (side note..Brett had gotten back to seeing his daughter 3-4 times a week at this point and had just started to "babysit" his baby girl every day for Bekka while she would go to work ...she goes to school 6-8 am and then works 10-3 or 4). Soo, he finally realized what a toll it had taken on everyone and i point blank said i couldn't emotionally take it ANYMORE..my nerves were beyond shot..my relationship with Troy was stressed and I just was basically depressed and tried to hide it and "act" normal. that was easier than i thought..the acting normal. work wa s my get away. Until my dad would stop in to get his weekly paper and stand in my office and cry broke my heart! I've had my issues with him but we are adults and i try to remember thats in the past. ugh. Family. Soo, loong story short (ahhahahah yeah right) 2 weeks prior to christmas I got things worked out by finally getting through to Brett. He now calls and texts us all back. He came to CHristmas and had Audri and Bekka with him! YAY! I still am scared to let myself think that it is all passed..i'm on edge some days just wondering whats next? I have never felt like I did during that time. I can't describe it and it seriously hurts to talk about it. Everyone always asks to have me talk to them about it and i want too soo bad...i just can't seem to do it. I'm that person that can talk about some things like that...but man..this particular issue killed me. I just didn't want to talk about ... hoping that it would just go away..nope! Soo long story short ... that is major hoopity reason for not being into the blogging world nor wanting to comment etc. soo, please accept my sincere apologies for missing out on your lives. I missed you all and hope to be back to stay! AHH! 
p.s. I hope you know that i'm not asking for "pity" by posting this..just sometimes venting after all is said and done is good for me, plus i hope it gives a little glimpse at where i've been.  :)

Also, work has been crazy super-cal-a-frag-a-listic-ly busy for the last 2 weeks going on 3. Working 7 am - basically 6 pm is kicking my rear the last few days! 1st week i had 14 hours overtime and last week only 6ish!! This week i'm up to 4 1/2 over and it's only tuesday  night! ahh! 
Ooook! enough..Soo, that is part 1 of blogging for the day. 

Here is a pic of my brother, Audri and Bekka. I love them soo much and can't imagine life without my "baby" brother and now his daugher and Bekka. Ahh..teary eyed me..i'm done for now! ha!