I have a plan!

Goodbye
by Tammy Marie Denue

I always took for granted,

what I thought I'd never lose.

Because I never thought it would happen,

until I heard the dreaded news.

They say you were chosen for his garden,
His preciously hand picked bouquet.
"God really needed her,
That's why she couldn't stay."

Saying goodbye is never easy,
It's the hardest thing to do.
But what hurts me even more
Is not the chance to say it to you.

So today, Jesus, as you are listening
in your home above;
Would you go and find my mom,
And give her all my love!

~    ~    ~    ~   ~    ~    ~    ~   ~    ~    ~    ~   ~    ~    ~    ~

Today seems to be starting on a rougher foot than normal, just a bit more emotional i guess? I've noticed that when i turn my iTunes on (a daily basis when i get to work) that i haven't had it on 'random'. I just have it play the same playlist, straight down..every day. Hmmm, I should be tired of all those songs by now! lol! Anyway, there is a song on their that was my moms fav and my step dad used to sing it to her when they would go out and karaoke in their older days (lol...their olden days were only 10 or so years ago) AND this was her wedding march when she married Squeak (my step dad). Sooo, i've decided since i pretty hear it EVERY morning on my play list that i will take that 8 minutes and 2 seconds and that will be my daily time with my mom through the week. It's the 2nd song on my playlist so it is played sometime between 7:15 am-7:45 am. The phones aren't ringing yet, no one else is in my office till 8, so i have MY OWN TIME. I can have a few tears and not have anxiety over anyone seeing me. :) Ahh! Kind of refreshing actually. Soo yep, thats the plan. I like plans. They make me happy.

friday Friday FRIDAY!!

It's FRIDAY!! Normally, Fridays are that big a deal to me. I like my job and sometimes find myself missing it over the weekend (yes, I know this is ODD). BUT...Today I am very happy that it's Friday and that I don't have to work Saturday or Sunday. It has just been one of those crazy work weeks and i'm just ready to sleep in and relax. Ahh! I can't wait.

So, we have my moms dog this weekend as they left at 3 AM today to head to Wisc. to go 'shroomin' a.k.a. Mushroom Hunting. They are pumped about it. Great for them..great for me when they come home with lots!! YAY! Anyway, she has a dog like mine that is just a few years older. My doggie, Bailie, just loves her. She's never been to my house so last night was a bit different for her. She kept looking for my mom and wouldn't lay down in bed with us to sleep. Soo, after 30 minutes of trying to get her to ly down and get Bailie to lay down (he was a bit jealous and wouldn't come near me while in bed) AND a tired husband getting aggravated from the dogs continuously walking around the bed, I finally took her to her kennel and put her in there. I felt awful, but she didn't make a peep, phew!! Soo, 1 night down - only 2 more to go! Wish us luck! :)

Life has been busy. I like busy though. I am ready for a bit of break, not sure when that'll happen though. Troy had surgery on his shoulder in February 17th. He had a S.L.A.P. tear? Basically his shoulder would dis-located for the past 8-9 years easier and easier. He couldn't even take laundry out of the dryer without it almost slipping. Since he works construction and that is slow right now, he decided to have it done. He is STILL off work as the surgeon from South Bend Orthopedics told him it was the 3rd worst he has ever seen. The surgeon was just amazed at how long Troy lived with it. His exact words to me right after surgery were "He is one tough S.O.B." I looked at him and said "Yes he is". Troy is honestly probably one of the strongest guys I know with a superbly high tolerance for pain. He doesn't want attention or to be babied if he has any pain. I am proud of him! Soo, long story short..he is off still for another 4-5 weeks. UGH. Can't wait for a normal paycheck again. :)

Well, whats going on with me. Not much. Working alot (which makes me feel blessed and lucky). I am involved in a "weight loss challenge" at work. Its ok fun. some people are just filled with drama, but when they can't take the heat..they just drop out. YAY..better chances for me then! We started end of March and since then i've been watching what i eat and exercising. As of today, I have lost 12 pounds!! YAY! I am HALF way to my goal. I love it. I feel better and even Troy has commented that he has noticed a difference in how my clothes fit, how i look and that my attitude and motivation are mucho improved. I'm not saying i was *fat* before, just slightly overweight for my age, height and build. I was 25-27 pounds heavier than when we got married. That bugged me!!  Also, It's like having a whole wardrobe!! I can fit into old clothes now! YESS!! 

Well thats it for now. I have lots of work to do! Hope you all have a great weekend!!

Years, months or just days

WOW..it has been how many months..days..shoot seems like years since my last blog, well it wasn't actually a "blog" now though was it?! Anywho..soo much has went on and yet soo little at the same time. 

End of September - December 2008

Yep, those months were right up there with probably being the 2nd or 3rd toughest times in my life.  Nothing about me personally..just family in general. My brother, who is 18, seemed to just go down hill and cause soo much emotionally charged drama in the family! Shoot, just typing this now still makes me teary eyed. HENCE why i hadn't blogged in such a hoot of a long time. Anyway. He has a little girl (that i adore more than anything) that was born 8-29-08 to him and girlfriend Bekka. Brett (my brother) just seemed to not want to be responsible for much of anything after he lost his job a few weeks after Audri was born. He didn't "try" to get a job, he did but didn't. Bekka is a senior at school (he graduated 08) and goes to the academy to finish up her year (i am soooo proud of her)! Anyway...he got in with a not so great group of people and just became distant and at one point hadn't seen his baby girl for 3 weeks. It just kills me. He wouldn't return texts, calls or anything. He started staying with a buddy of his at this time so it's not like he'd see his mom everyday. Our dad would call him and he wouldn't call him back and it just killed my dad. Brett was lying and just all sorts of crazyness. My dads mom is sick and has emphasyma (however you spell it) and it took a MAJOR toll on her. She hates seeing her son (my dad) hurt soo bad and Brett  wouldn't call her back. UGH....so i was the one trying to get all back together. Went with Brett's mom (we have same dad..diff, moms) one night to hunt him down and shocked the heck out of him. From there on things started to get better. Had a few points where he was back to his old ways but after I showed up on his doorstep one day on my lunch with emails that dad had sent me desperately searching for a way to find his son and just be able to talk to  him and dad saying thigns that made me scared what he'd do to himself...i just stood there and cried. (side note..Brett had gotten back to seeing his daughter 3-4 times a week at this point and had just started to "babysit" his baby girl every day for Bekka while she would go to work ...she goes to school 6-8 am and then works 10-3 or 4). Soo, he finally realized what a toll it had taken on everyone and i point blank said i couldn't emotionally take it ANYMORE..my nerves were beyond shot..my relationship with Troy was stressed and I just was basically depressed and tried to hide it and "act" normal. that was easier than i thought..the acting normal. work wa s my get away. Until my dad would stop in to get his weekly paper and stand in my office and cry broke my heart! I've had my issues with him but we are adults and i try to remember thats in the past. ugh. Family. Soo, loong story short (ahhahahah yeah right) 2 weeks prior to christmas I got things worked out by finally getting through to Brett. He now calls and texts us all back. He came to CHristmas and had Audri and Bekka with him! YAY! I still am scared to let myself think that it is all passed..i'm on edge some days just wondering whats next? I have never felt like I did during that time. I can't describe it and it seriously hurts to talk about it. Everyone always asks to have me talk to them about it and i want too soo bad...i just can't seem to do it. I'm that person that can talk about some things like that...but man..this particular issue killed me. I just didn't want to talk about ... hoping that it would just go away..nope! Soo long story short ... that is major hoopity reason for not being into the blogging world nor wanting to comment etc. soo, please accept my sincere apologies for missing out on your lives. I missed you all and hope to be back to stay! AHH! 

p.s. I hope you know that i'm not asking for "pity" by posting this..just sometimes venting after all is said and done is good for me, plus i hope it gives a little glimpse at where i've been.  :)

Also, work has been crazy super-cal-a-frag-a-listic-ly busy for the last 2 weeks going on 3. Working 7 am - basically 6 pm is kicking my rear the last few days! 1st week i had 14 hours overtime and last week only 6ish!! This week i'm up to 4 1/2 over and it's only tuesday  night! ahh! 

Ooook! enough..Soo, that is part 1 of blogging for the day. 

Here is a pic of my brother, Audri and Bekka. I love them soo much and can't imagine life without my "baby" brother and now his daugher and Bekka. Ahh..teary eyed me..i'm done for now! ha!